Did you learn about the clitoris in your sex-ed class?
The clitoris is a truly amazing and widely misunderstood organ. It’s made up of erectile tissue, and is located in bodies with ovulating systems and vaginas. Its purpose is to provide its owner with sensations of pleasure, via densely clustered and highly sensitive bundles of nerves. But anatomy drawings in most sex-ed classes never show the clitoris!!!
Many people think of the clitoris (or “clit” for short) as a small external bump or nub above the vaginal opening, where the internal labia (or lips) meet and form a protective hood over it, but this is only the glans (or head) of a much larger structure that extends within the body, surrounding the vagina and urethra, connected to the bones of the pelvis.
Just like the erectile tissue and sensitive nerve endings inside a penis, the clitoris engorges with blood during sexual arousal to become larger and stiffer, and may experience orgasm: a “climax” we sometimes compare to a tea kettle coming to a boil. Arousal and stimulation can cause blood flow in the genitals to build up to a tipping point, much like steam pressure causes a boiling kettle to whistle; the rush of blood past nerve endings triggers muscular contractions in the pelvis and powerful sensations.
There is a wide range of “orgasmicity" among people with clitorises—some bodies orgasm more easily than others; some do not experience this climax at all, but may enjoy more rolling waves of pleasure; not everyone wants orgasms, and not all sexual encounters need to include orgasms. However, a lack of clitoral education means many people confuse orgasms with ejaculation (of a penis), and some teens in our classes are surprised to learn that bodies with vaginas are even capable of orgasm.
This misunderstanding of the basic biology of pleasure contributes to cultural views of sex that center around the experience of a person with a penis, and disregard the desires or satisfaction of people equipped with vaginas and clitorises. Teaching about the clitoris is an important piece of our work for sexual equality, and our "glitterous clitoris” sticker is a great way for you to share this knowledge with a wider audience!
We want to support parents and caregivers in answering, “What’s a clitoris?” and other sometimes shocking questions they might get at home.
Sometimes caregivers might need to stall or take a breath before answering and that is totally fine. One of the ways to help encourage conversation and get your bearings when shocked by a question is to pause, thank the child for asking, and to ask some open ended questions, both to help clarify what the child is actually asking and to stall while coming up with the best answer.
Open-ended follow-up questions:
What do you think or already know about that?
How did you learn about this?
What do your friends say about this?
How do you feel about this?
The instinct to guide and direct our children is strong, but when children are asking about sexuality, it is important to honor a child's curiosity by withholding judgment and advice, unless they specifically ask for advice. Many of us adults have strong feelings about sexuality education rooted in our experiences growing up, which may or may not be experiences we want to replicate for our children. When answering these tough questions, it is best to check our own assumptions/biases to make sure we are answering from our current values and not our shock or past experiences. And it's okay to have boundaries; no one has to answer personal questions about their sexual experiences. Parents and caregivers get to have privacy and it is healthy for our children to know that!
Our team at MTSE wants to share some good news about having these hard conversations.
There is evidence that when parents and caregivers talk to kids about values (even values about sexual behavior and safety), those values are more often reflected in their kids. When caregivers talk to kids specifically about sex and sexuality, their kids are more likely to delay sexual activity and more likely to use protection when they do become sexually active.
We hope this helps you think about how you might answer difficult questions that the children in your life might be asking you. If you would like to learn a little about being an askable adult, we have resources for you:
