We want to support parents and caregivers in answering, “ How are babies made?”, “What’s a clitoris?” or “What’s a condom?” and other sometimes shocking questions they might get at home.
Sometimes caregivers might need to stall or take a breath before answering and that is totally fine. One of the ways to help encourage conversation and get your bearings when shocked by a question is to pause, thank the child for asking, and to ask some open ended questions, both to help clarify what the child is actually asking and to stall while coming up with the best answer.
Open-ended follow-up questions:
What do you think or already know about that?
How did you learn about this?
What do your friends say about this?
How do you feel about this?
The instinct to guide and direct our children is strong, but when children are asking about sexuality, it is important to honor a child's curiosity by withholding judgment and advice, unless they specifically ask for advice. Many of us adults have strong feelings about sexuality education rooted in our experiences growing up, which may or may not be experiences we want to replicate for our children. When answering these tough questions, it is best to check our own assumptions/biases to make sure we are answering from our current values and not our shock or past experiences. And it's okay to have boundaries; no one has to answer personal questions about their sexual experiences. Parents and caregivers get to have privacy and it is healthy for our children to know that!
Our team at MTSE wants to share some good news about having these hard conversations.
There is evidence that when parents and caregivers talk to kids about values (even values about sexual behavior and safety), those values are more often reflected in their kids. When caregivers talk to kids specifically about sex and sexuality, their kids are more likely to delay sexual activity and more likely to use protection when they do become sexually active.
We hope this helps you think about how you might answer difficult questions that the children in your life might be asking you. If you would like to learn a little about being an askable adult, we have resources for you:
