"What is 69?" is a question we get in our anonymous question box quite often.
We also hear from parents and caregivers that they are getting this question at home, and it can be a difficult one to answer. We know that parents and caregivers are often their child's first and most important sex educator AND with the ubiquitousness of online information, children today are hearing sex-related slang terms more often than previous generations.
Our team of experts wants to share how we answer this question in classrooms at various grade levels. What we say depends on the age, obviously.
For upper elementary or lower middle school, we often say “a slang term for a sex act" or ”a sex position some adults do.”
In middle school classrooms, we might also explain the connection to the numbers by saying “a sex position some adults do that makes their bodies look like a 6 & a 9.”
For older teens, we are more specific, answering with, “mutual oral stimulation,” or “when two people put their mouths on each other’s genitals and are laying in a position that makes their bodies look like a 6 & a 9.”
When answering questions about specific sexual behaviors, we often remind teens that it is normal to be curious about different sex acts. The law says that teens must be 18 to consent, however we know that some teenagers younger than 18 might try sexual behaviors, and we want everyone to understand how to keep themselves as safe and healthy as possible. We think it is important for students to know that mutual oral stimulation is a behavior that carries a risk of transmitting STIs, and we remind students that there are barrier methods that make oral sex safer.
Big yellow question box displays the popular question, “What’s 69?”
We want to support parents and caregivers in answering this and other sometimes shocking questions they might get at home.
Sometimes caregivers might need to stall or take a breath before answering and that is totally fine. One of the ways to help encourage conversation and get your bearings when shocked by a question is to pause, thank the child for asking, and to ask some open ended questions, both to help clarify what the child is actually asking and to stall while coming up with the best answer.
Open-ended follow-up questions:
What do you think or already know about that?
How did you learn about this?
What do your friends say about this?
How do you feel about this?
The instinct to guide and direct our children is strong, but when children are asking about sexuality, it is important to honor a child's curiosity by withholding judgment and advice, unless they specifically ask for advice. Many of us adults have strong feelings about sexuality education rooted in our experiences growing up, which may or may not be experiences we want to replicate for our children. When answering these tough questions, it is best to check our own assumptions/biases to make sure we are answering from our current values and not our shock or past experiences. And it's okay to have boundaries; no one has to answer personal questions about their sexual experiences. Parents and caregivers get to have privacy and it is healthy for our children to know that!
Our team at MTSE wants to share some good news about having these hard conversations.
There is evidence that when parents and caregivers talk to kids about values (even values about sexual behavior and safety), those values are more often reflected in their kids. When caregivers talk to kids specifically about sex and sexuality, their kids are more likely to delay sexual activity and more likely to use protection when they do become sexually active.
We hope this helps you think about how you might answer difficult questions that the children in your life might be asking you. If you would like to learn a little about being an askable adult, we have resources for you:
