9-12 Year Olds and “Performative Discomfort”

There’s a certain kind of behavior we sometimes see from 4th 5th and 6th graders, especially when class is discussing body parts or functions, that we’ve come to describe as “performative discomfort”. Kids this age will go out of their way to tell us that they find the material “gross”, they use the barfing-emoji, they tell us they’re disturbed, they ask why we have to talk about these matters before lunch.

Often, it’s to get a rise out of their classmates. Maybe it’s to see if they can derail the conversation or make it stop. Sometimes it seems to be telegraphing to their peers that this is “not normal”, signaling that they consider this topic taboo or off limits.

It makes me a little sad, both to know that a student may be imagining that I am maliciously inflicting harm on them, and also that they have internalized the idea that these natural bodily functions are rightfully shameful. We understand—and we remind students—that discomfort is a natural and very understandable part of the learning and growth process. We don’t guarantee students that our class will be comfortable for them, for the same reason we don’t call our classes a “safe space”—that’s not a promise we can make. All we can ask is for everyone to be brave, notice how they’re feeling, and ask more questions before jumping to assumptions or assigning blame.

It’s a tremendous balancing act: holding empathy for the squirming child in the class, while also drawing attention to the problematic, harmful messages they’ve internalized and had reinforced by society. Failing to name body parts and teach boundaries leaves a child more vulnerable to sexual abuse, and sadly this abuse is likely to be at the hands of a family member.

Failing to use gender-inclusive language leaves trans children at greater risk of dysphoria; conflating body parts and gender identity increases the likelihood of trauma and suicidal ideation. And for adults who think transgender elementary schoolers are rare: they are in every single class we teach, at every school. These risks are real.

I completely understand why a 5th grade cisgender girl doesn’t want the boys in her class around for a conversation about periods, and so forth. I get it. But everyone has a right to both information and privacy about how their body works, and learning all together is the best way to respect that, and it’s beautiful to see 9-12 year olds who understand that too. My heart melts when students thank us for being inclusive, when they tell us that class was a little uncomfortable but they’re glad they learned it, when they are clearly proud of their own growth.

We’re proud of you too.